What is this ..About?

I dont know what to name this Post..Might be there are many things running in my mind....also now I am not able to restrict this topic to a particular thing...first thing this is not a post ....this is my voice and its me and again me.

Where to start..and what to..ok..Morning I was reading RGV blog and one thing catched my eye .. "we all live by accident and die by intent" I have a lot to comment on this..All the happiest moment's one has in life is by accident and happen unexpectedly..will you agree or will you not?..atleast in my case its true..I am always an expect'ist(dont know if u find this in dictionary)..from my childhood this has become a hobby of mine..I always expect a lot for every small thing.. and till date I am not successfull but still expect.. and now habituated..coz now I know the end result..I never told this to any body coz I never knew this until I analyzed my self because of a person in my life...

Small, small things catches my attention...they can be small for the one whom I cares but for me those are the sweet memories Which I can give them....confused ?..so here are few examples...

One of my relative is in love with some one whom I really dont like(might be bacause of her attitude) and for sure know that his parents even dont like..his parents were too close to me ..so that I cannot see them suffering about him In fact I dont want him to suffer later on..and I am successful in explaining him about the consequences and finally get out of that relationship..still his would be a love marriage..with the other girl with whom his parents are even happy..and now he is enjoying and his parents never know about the background work I did..but at some point if they know..I am the happiness which they have at that moment..I am happy for that.

A very good friend of mine is in crush with a girl..we see her regularly and we talk about her whenevr we are togeather in cafteria.she is a tech lead and is reserved kinda attitude.and the time has come where he is leaving thhe company and we planned some thing to give him..and we gave him..and its just a gift..I never knew how much he felt that for a gift...but half an hour before he is leaving... the girl whom we always talk about came to our zone and wished him all the best infront of our whole team..with a cute big smile and simple shakehand..I was speachless and even he was..the happiness In his eyes will be remembered for long than a gift we gave himm...Before me approaching that girl for this help..I never thought how she would feel coz I am not bothered about that Girl, I am always botherd about the friend of mine...I remember "U ASK ...U GET". But I Should thank her for everything..and I know THANKS is a small word.

They are many such Incidents...few friends of mine said I was mad in my thoughts...and they even asked me How can I think that stupid..In the first case above few asked me y Am I encouraging him..when I know he will suffer..The Answer is "If I started comndeming ..do you think he will share any thing about his relation? "... In the second case above friends me approaching that girl they asked me "why would she care for your friend ship?"...yes I agree..but we humans live with some sentiments..If we can convey them in a right manner every one values those...I dont know how many of u agree But I believe in this and Succeeded most of the time..Many asked me Why I was doing all theseee....I dont have any answer to give them..But when I started thinking why I am doing all theseee...Since my childhood there is a particular day every year I wanna a celebrate heavily...and offcourse expect a good gift...Because of the circumstances..It nevr happened..It never happened since 20 years..All these 20 years evry year that passed gave a bad memories to remember...I missed the small expectation which always carried a big pain.The day I am talking about is my "BIRTHDAY".unknowingly that Influenced me in many ways.

This Year 2009 She gave me a surprise..Infact happiness..And I dont know if I have any other word in english..to describe this feeling...I never expected that...Feb 23 I remember somebody calling my friend some where around 11:00 pm..he suddenly went out and I know I will be alone this birthday...and I was bit unhappy and simply sleeping....When I am not in a good mood..that will be reflected in my face..and people catch it soon....at 12...I cut a cake which she has sent and it is not from bangalore but from HYD...and a good shirt...These 2 are nothing..If I would not have be feeling bad.. being alone...She is there all the time with me ...during my though days and during my happiest moments..but I never told her She is Important to me..I nvr said I care her..I never said I luv her..And I nvr knew if some body cared for me more than her...and guys she is my "SISTER" Recently She droped me the below mail...I know I am the cause for her tears while composing this mail...

hi,

you have spoke many things but u did not hear me , and it is also difficult to speak some things so i am posting u this.....so let me tell u .....firstly u said u did not like ,me telling that i will return the money.but let me tell u.i felt my self respect there....and i promise i will never repeat this....secondly u said i feel that u did not care for me....ya,its true.when i spoke that lines i felt so but not now.....because, u know me ,i always wanted u to be very close with me.i dont know whether u remember or not i always used to tell u about swathi's brother, u used to tell me that u dont like such kind.as time passed i thought u are of such kind that u cant express ur feelings.and i was used to it.,,,,,,,,,,but when i came here i came to know of things which i did not expect from u.... i dont know whether u remember or not ..i used to see ur messages....and now i agree that i did that act every day.i know it is bad.but still i did.but let me tell u one thing i saw only those msgs which came from pinky and which u sent for pinky...first time i saw it accidently. from then i started to see daily...and the msg i saw for first time was "u mean a lot to me,and today i am like this because of u." i did not understand this. and i saw ur reply .i dont remember it exactly but it is really very consoling.......... in the hard times of my life u never consoled me, and u never tried to know the feelings of mine.... in fact u scolded me when i was crying........and in those msgs which u sent her, u used to say gud morning, all the best.and many more things which u felt,they were encouraging,caring and every thing. in all those msgs i saw u the way which i want u to be, but not with me but with pinky. i did not get this.....i thought when u can be in such a way to her why cant u be with me? what's wrong with me....and i thought of telling u the same...i tried many times but i could not...its not that easy ...i used to talk to u indirectly many times but u did not get it.....and u used to tell me a couple of times"dont expect anything from me." u left to london afterwards.and i thought about this then i felt i was wrong not u .and may be i felt this way as i was possesive .and sarat used to tell me frequently that i am becoming possesive in this issue.and i agree to this because i am possesive regarding my family .after wards i realised this and thought i should not be so....

before i used to hav the concept that the people whom i love should love me the same way.afterwards i changed and followed ur line...... dont expect....and stopped expecting...and loving the people whom i like the same way as before......and left the rest ot it to them......but to tell frankly after that i was very happy.....now i hav no complaints......now i am used to it..... i feel embrassed when u say some things to me. .

To say during all this phase i know that u love me.but i did not get why u were so unexpressive with me while u wre so with someone else...to say during the last few years u did not give me the chance to know about u neither u gave me the chance to speak about me.....may be u might hav developed individuality or may be its the age difference or the gender difference.......think none of us were wrong ...may be were are brought up like that.

and lastly i loved two people very much one was u and the other was sarat......and i was hurt very badly because of u and learnt somethings in life to be happy....and u were the people who made me tough...and i dont blame u people because it was me who messed up ...in one way u people made me the way i should be in the present society....................... these days i am happy because u were speaking some of the things ...

byeeeee
ur loving sis

indu.

Friends What do you feel reading this email... Yeah Ur correct ...Yes I am ... I am stupid...Guys this is not a letter from a sis to a brother and its not only to me....It is to every one who is not expressive to their beloved ones...and the person at the other end will only know the pain..We know we care for them..They even know we care for them but small small lovable words from you make them happy... I know a friend of mine who is behaving the same way I did to my sis..I dont know if she finds herself when reading this..Hope she recognise herself..If you care for some one go to them and tell them How much you care them..it can be friends, it can be ur parents..it can be any one else...Every one knew that you love them the most..And they will feel it only when you tell them...which they never expect from you..Emooo at some point ...you wanna tell them and at that moment they may not be with you..."You will never know the pain until that person moves away from your life..and then if you feel also.... it doest make sense...live to the moment"...Finally Dont behave foolishly like me. I gave evrything to every one when required and evn when not required...But to my sis...I gave "           ".

My post is not complete without writing some thing about her..she is someone whom I unknowingly think about almost all the time.she is the one who induced the word "dream" and Introduced the word "HOPE" into a small little word of mine..I am selfish in choosing her and she is even selfish in choosing her destination... hmmmmm...kkk I am not authorised ..... so NO COMPLAINTS..NO DEMANDS....chooodoooo  na yaar kuch aur baath karthee...

Guys please..I am not a writer..I dont like somebody calling me like that..Please feel my thoughts rather than calling me a writer...or simply understand if these make sense...I am not expressive..so Might be because of that I will take some time to think and speak..But I am changing...And Promise will change..I will take some time...Please be with me .. I dont wanna a miss you ... and finally luv you guys.

 

--Chandu

Note: I dont want any one to call me or discuss about these with me..Please understand..If you have any thing..Keep a comment..Let it be simple